Interact Online | Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) Service
Long-distance parenting after separation can be harder than expected. When one parent lives far away — interstate or overseas — a child who used to happily chat may start saying no to calls.
It’s common, and usually very fixable. When a child knocks back calls, it’s almost never a sign the relationship is broken. More often, the way you’re keeping in touch has outgrown the child’s stage. This guide looks closely at the pre-school years, where this comes up most, then shows how the same ideas change as a child grows — from babies to teenagers.
Please note: This is general information only. It is not legal advice or a substitute for advice from a counsellor or health professional who knows your family. If there are any safety or family violence concerns, that changes things — please speak with a professional about your situation.
Prefer to read offline or print? Download this guide as a handout.
Download the guide (PDF)Why phone calls are hard for little kids
A child of around four or five lives in the present and thinks in very concrete ways. Open questions like “how was your day?” are close to impossible for them to answer well. They connect through doing, not reporting.
A voice-only call gives them nothing to look at, no shared activity, and a lot of silences they find confusing — so they opt out. Their sense of time is still forming, so “twice a week” doesn’t mean much, and a few days can feel like a very long stretch. Their attention span is short too: a realistic live call at this age is five to fifteen minutes, sometimes less.
Why a child pulls away — and why it isn’t rejection
Usually it’s a few ordinary things, often together:
- The call lands when they’re tired, hungry, or deep in play and don’t want interrupting.
- They feel put on the spot to perform or to talk.
- They’re picking up tension around the calls themselves.
Children this age take their emotional cues from the adult in the room. If the calls feel loaded or anxious, the child feels that and withdraws — even if nothing is said. Set up warmly, as a normal and easy part of the day, and the child relaxes into them. None of this means anyone is doing anything wrong. The emotional weather around the calls matters as much as the calls.
What helps with long-distance parenting after separation
Video over voice — every time
A young child needs to see a face and be able to show things. Video gives them something to do and someone to watch.
Short and often beats long and rare
Frequent, brief contact woven into the child’s routine helps them hold the other parent in mind — but let the frequency follow the child’s tolerance, not a set quota. This is the key shift when a parent wants several calls a week: the goal isn’t a contact count, it’s the child experiencing that parent as a warm, reliable, low-pressure presence. Three forced calls can do more harm than one easy one.
Build calls around a shared activity
Doing together, not interviewing. For example:
- Reading the same picture book together.
- Drawing, or building with blocks side by side.
- A “tour” of the parent’s home, or showing each other a favourite toy.
- A silly game, a song, or peek-a-boo for the youngest.
Let them lead, and let them leave
If the child wanders off mid-call, that’s fine. Keeping it light and low-stakes is what keeps them coming back. Pressure, guilt (“you never want to talk to me”), or quizzing will reliably wear the relationship down. The far-away parent’s job is patience, warmth, following the child’s interest, and tolerating the wandering and the silences.
Make the timing predictable
Anchor calls to a regular moment — after dinner, before bath — so they’re expected, not sprung on the child, and not when they’re flat or busy.
Fill the gaps with messages, not just live calls
Recorded video or voice messages, a recorded bedtime story, posted postcards and drawings, photos, or a small object in the mail all build the relationship — often more than live calls, because there’s no pressure to perform. The child can enjoy them on their own terms.
Above all, be reliable
Showing up consistently — same rhythm, not cancelled or erratic — is what builds a child’s trust over time. A perfect call matters far less than a dependable one.
A word for all of this: attunement
Everything above adds up to one idea — attunement. Attunement simply means tuning in to what your child is feeling and needing right now, and responding to that, rather than to what you’d planned or hoped for. Down a video call it looks like following their lead, matching their mood, and letting the small stuff go. Children feel closest and safest with the adults who “get” them — and attunement is how a parent does that, even from far away.
How this changes as your child grows
The guidance above is written for the pre-school years — roughly three to five — where rejected calls come up most. The same ideas hold at every age, but how they look shifts as a child grows.
Babies and toddlers (under 2)
At this age, contact is mostly about familiarity, not conversation. A baby won’t “talk” on a call and may not show much — that’s normal, not rejection. It runs through the parent the baby is with: holding the baby to the screen, narrating (“look, there’s Dad”), and keeping calls very short and very regular so the far-away parent’s face and voice stay familiar. Singing, peek-a-boo, a board book, or just being present while the baby plays all help, and a recorded lullaby or bedtime story can be played often. Consistency is everything — a familiar face, seen often, is how the bond is kept alive.
Pre-schoolers (about 3 to 5)
This is the stage covered in detail above: video over voice, short and often, play and shared activity rather than questions, letting the child lead, predictable timing, and plenty of recorded messages between calls.
Early primary (about 6 to 8)
Now a child can hold a short conversation, but still connects best by doing. Shared online activities work well — reading a chapter book together, an online game, drawing, or a “show and tell” of a school project. They understand time better, so a schedule they can rely on matters, and they may start to have views about when calls happen — worth listening to. Calls can be a little longer, but keep them child-led: let them bring their world to the call rather than quizzing them.
Older primary (about 9 to 12)
More independence and their own interests. Connection often happens around a shared activity at a distance — gaming together, watching the same show “together”, a hobby, or messaging about their day. They may have their own device and can message directly; keep it open and low-pressure and follow their lead on how often. This is the age to involve them gently in how contact works — children this age notice and resent arrangements imposed without their say.
Teenagers (13 and over)
The theme flips: independence and their social world come first. Pushing for more contact tends to backfire; flexibility and respect keep the relationship. Contact is often brief and on their terms — a text, a shared joke, a quick check-in — and being reliably available matters more than a set number of calls. Show up steadily, take an interest without interrogating, and let them set the pace. A calm, non-demanding presence they can come to is what counts. In family law, too, older children’s views carry more weight, so arrangements often need revisiting through the teenage years.
Both households have a part to play
The far-away parent brings warmth, patience and consistency. The parent the child lives with brings warm scaffolding — helping set the calls up, speaking about the other parent positively, staying relaxed about it, and not letting the calls become a pressure point or a bargaining chip.
At this age, the relationship with the parent who lives away largely rises or falls on how the everyday parent supports it. Working together on this is one of the kindest things separated parents can do for a child.
Culture as connection
Young children are forming their sense of who they are. Where a parent or the child is Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander, or from a particular cultural community, that heritage is part of the child’s identity and part of their bond with the far-away parent. Contact built around culture — sharing stories, language, songs, family and Country over video — is often far more engaging than “how was your day?”, and it does two things at once: it strengthens the bond and the child’s sense of identity. For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander families, a community-controlled service may offer culturally safe support for both.
Where to get help
Arrangements that suited a toddler often need revisiting as a child grows — that’s normal, not a failure. If you’d like support with parenting after separation, or help agreeing on how contact will work, these are good places to start — many are free.
- Interact Online FDR Service — Family Dispute Resolution to help separated parents agree on workable arrangements, including how a long-distance parent stays in touch. If an existing arrangement isn’t working as hoped, FDR can also help you review and renegotiate a parenting plan — or work towards changing existing court orders by agreement — as your child grows and their needs change. Phone 1300 079 345, or visit interact.support.
- Family Relationship Advice Line — free national line that can point you to services near you. Phone 1800 050 321, or visit familyrelationships.gov.au.
- Family Relationship Centres — information, parenting-after-separation programs (some run Circle of Security), and family dispute resolution, across Australia.
- New Ways for Families — a structured skills program for separated parents (Bill Eddy’s method) for managing emotions and reducing conflict when co-parenting is strained. We host the Australian online program for parents at courses.study247.online/courses/new-ways-for-families.
- Counselling for children of separated families — free, government-funded child counselling is available in many areas. For very young children, support that includes the parent usually works best.
- Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander families — Aboriginal Community Controlled Health and family services offer culturally safe parenting and family wellbeing support, and welcome self-referrals.
An Interact Support Incorporated Program | interact.support | June 2026
Frequently asked questions
Why is my young child refusing phone calls with their other parent?
For a child of around four or five this is very common, and rarely a sign the relationship is in trouble. Phone calls are simply hard at this age — there’s nothing to look at and a lot of silences to sit through. Switching to short video calls built around a shared activity usually helps far more than asking them to “have a chat”.
How often should a long-distance parent call a young child?
Short and often works better than long and rare, but let the child’s tolerance set the pace rather than a fixed number. A few easy, low-pressure calls a week will do more than several that feel forced. The aim is for the child to experience that parent as a warm, reliable presence — not to hit a contact quota.
What’s the best way to stay connected with a child who lives far away?
Use video rather than voice, keep calls short, and do something together — read a book, draw, play a game, or have the child show you their world. Fill the gaps between calls with recorded messages, a bedtime story, or posted drawings and small parcels. Above all, be reliable: a familiar face seen regularly is what keeps the bond alive.
Does the advice change as my child gets older?
Yes. Babies need familiarity through the everyday parent; pre-schoolers need play and very short calls; primary-aged children connect through shared online activities and start to have their own views; teenagers need flexibility and respect for their independence. Arrangements that suited a toddler often need revisiting as a child grows.
What support is available for long-distance parenting after separation?
Family Dispute Resolution can help you agree on workable contact, and review or renegotiate a parenting plan — or work towards changing court orders by agreement — when an arrangement isn’t working. Family Relationship Centres, the Family Relationship Advice Line (1800 050 321), our New Ways for Families program, and Aboriginal community-controlled family services can also help.